Jesus Christ, Orgasm Consultant

The true meaning of marriage is love between a man and a woman. At least, that’s what the Catholic Education Service (CES), wants you to think, having contacted Catholic schools promoting a “positive affirmation of marriage.”

The CES is hiding behind religious freedom to promote a political campaign against same-sex marriage. Other than being remarkably out of touch with Catholics, this petitioning to state-funded Catholic secondary schools in England and Wales raises a number of legal concerns, particularly with respect to sections of the Equality Act 2010 and Education Act 1996.

Legal questions aside, I’m amused by the content of the Letter on Marriage. The offending parties are Archbishop Nichols and Smith, President and Vice-President of the Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales. They argue that neither the Church nor the State has the power to change the fundamental understanding of marriage, which is apparently rooted in nature due to the “complementarity and fertility” of male and female partnerships. This fundamental understanding is also an expression of “fundamental humanity,” with the institution being at the foundation of society.

Jesus is at the heart of marriage, as a kind of relationship guru, guiding the love of husband and wife to fulfillment. The Archbishops aren’t clear about what this fulfillment entails, but I like to think of Jesus as being part of the slow-sex movement popularized by Nicole Daedone. He’s like an on-call orgasm consultant, offering private coaching services in exchange for spiritual currency. Following completion of the program, couples will receive a mystical marriage certificate and participate in a wedding banquet hosted by God.